I am not 100% sure when a "shift" happened. Perhaps it was while strolling through Italy with friends eating amazing food and having an amazing time or perhaps it was when I returned from this trip and something inside of me assured me that I no longer needed to mold myself into other people's expectations of me. Although this probably applied to my whole persona - it had a lot to do with my physical appearance and realizing how many years I had spent trying to mold myself into what I believed others wanted to see.
It first started with my body. While eating amazing food in Italy and not gaining any weight whatsoever I started to wonder why I stressed out so much for the majority of my life about "diets and exercise". Like MANY people out there; I associated going on a diet and getting on a consistent workout routine as the solution to ALL of my problems. Every. Single One. I then realized that I've probably been tricking myself for 20+ years of life. I am 100% fine the way I am. My body is an INCREDIBLE and INTELLIGENT God-Made machine that is very capable of molding itself into what it was born to be without me restricting myself into a diet every time I wanted to "change" my life.
Like many people, going on diets and workout routines was like setting the "re-set button" into a "different" life only to find myself 3-4 month down the line as the same person. Perhaps 30-40 pounds lighter - which I am not going to lie does and did bring me joy and a sense of accomplishment - but the same person with pretty much the same life. It took me a while to realize I am perfectly fine just the way I was born and that if I just let my body "be" without bingeing my life away, I'd be okay.
Next my hair came into the picture. I want to say it was around February, at the tender age of 33, when I started to notice this random white hair at the top of my head. While on a trip to Atlantic City for my sister's 30s birthday, my best friend made a comment about how it was "about time" I got white hair. What? .... needless to say, that did not feel too good but I came to the realization that those suckers would show up sooner or later. Did my best to forget about it and remember that 99.9999% of my hair remained jet black.
I then went into work that same week and while looking at myself in the bathroom mirror I began to feel regret about not taking full advantage of my natural jet-black hair and the curls in them while I "have it." Front that point forward I started thinking about my long black hair back during my teenage years and the curls that I was consistently hiding under low buns, high buns, monthly or bi-weekly blowouts. Curly hair was never something I was really taught to embrace growing up. I don't blame anyone for it. It is simply part of the Dominican culture to hide hair that's not soft and straight. I cannot blame hundreds of years of culture onto my mother or anyone in my family. That's just how things were.
But anyways, as many of you might have noticed, the year 2016 brought about a "curly hair movement" I had never experienced in my life for as long as I have lived. All of a sudden curly hair is now a blessing and something to be embraced. My question is - where were all these people and movements when I was growing up? The only people that I recall complementing my curly hair growing up were my african-american college roommates and I remember my mom and my aunt making sporadic comments here and there that my curls were nice. The comments were so sporadic that I can remember the exact times when they were said to me.
I could have easily continued through life with my blow outs and low buns but I decided to "revel" and finally embrace my God-given curls. April 22nd, 2017 was the very last time I visited a hair salon to straighten my hair. After that I was determined to embrace my curls as often as possible before "white hair took over". Surprisingly, the random white hair on my head disappeared and I couldn't be happier. I started to wonder if this was the way the universe was telling me: "This is your gift for finally accepting yourseld".
Around June or July of 2017 I went to get my first professional curly hair cut for which I paid the whooping sum of $115 plus tip. After being accustomed to paying $30 and $25 to "hide" my God-given hair under a blowout, those $115 didn't hurt one bit. I was finally embracing myself. My true self. The self I should have been embracing since childhood but I just didn't know how.
I can now go on and on about the growing pains, uncomfortable moments, and sporadic insecurities that wearing my hair curly 90% of the time has brought me. From waking up with not so good curly hair days and being late to work (several times) trying to "fix it". To having to wet my hair daily in order for it to curl nicely throughout the day. To sitting on a train with limp wet curly hair trying not to make eye contact with people because I did not feel that "hot". To getting to work hoping my hair had dried by then but it hadn't and having to avoid eye contact with co workers.
To finally deciding that I was doing this FOR ME and anything anyone was thinking or gossiping about behind my back or anything that didn't align with this personal project of self love and self acceptance were things I honestly did not care about. I finally got to a point in my life were I felt 100% FREE and it was a feeling I had never experienced.
Fast forward this past week I went out to dinner with a good friend of mine. I don't know if this matters or not but my friend is Indian. The type of indian with naturally long, straight, gorgeous hair. Towards the end of our date I shared how this coming week was very important to me. I was invited to visit a place I've been day dreaming about visiting for as long as I can remember. A very fancy place on Wall Street. She pointed out I should get a nice outfit. Agreed. That I should wear make up. Agreed. And then she commented whether I'd do my hair. I said yes. Because it was an automatic response but deep down I knew that getting my hair done was a thing I was not planning on doing. But her comment stuck with me.
Fast forward this afternoon I went to express looking for a nice outfit for said event and while trying things on in the dressing room my insecurities came creeping back. I felt kind of chubby. I have not visited a gym this whole year and instead I have been walking everywhere and eating intuitively 80% of the time. I have gained weight but is "healthy" weight (in my mind) as I am finally letting my body adjust to its needs rather than me trying to restrict it. I did my best to get over it and remember my plan of self love and self acceptance.
I then looked at my low bun (is a low bun day) and told myself that I absolutely cannot attend said event with that hairdo. Then I started freaking out and wondered whether I should run out of that mall and into a hair salon to prepare for my "big day". The only reason I would go get my hair done is because in my mind maybe people at this event would take me more "serious" or consider me more "professional" if I had my hair done. However, is this true?
I then reminded myself I know what works for my curls now (at least I have a MUCH better idea) and I can use that. Also, that I can do my makeup nicely and wear heels and a nice outfit and still be MYSELF. Also, to be 100% honest, long gone are the days when I didn't mind sitting in a salon for 3-4 hours or more waiting to get my hair done only to worry if its going to rain or snow and then my hair would get ruined. I am too lazy for all that. I have better things to do. More importantly, this year has shown me (and it continues to show me) that I can be 100% my genuine self inside and out and still be successful. Thank goodness for all the examples around me and (for better or for worse) social media for showing me I don't need to get my hair done to achieve success of any kind or to gain the acceptance of others.
I can achieve ALL of that and then some by being who I genuinely am while still being my best self.
However, important to remember that insecurities still show up. And that's okay.
It does cross my mind from time to time whether or not I am less attractive to the opposite sex because of my hair or whether I should go back to the salon and get my blow out so I can feel like my [old] self again. I also reminisce about returning to the gym and getting back on that diet and exercise track but I have learned way too much in this past year. I know better. This remains a work in progress. I just needed to remind myself that is okay to feel this way and document it for future reference. To be continued ....
What do YOU do when faced with any kind of insecurities? Could be physical, mental, spiritual or anything in between. Would love to hear your thoughts. Share below!
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